Wednesday, June 9, 2010
He's way outta my league.
Posted at 10:28 PM
Yeah, he certainly utterly is.
But sometimes I just wished there weren't any leagues and shit. That orang kampung could marry a billionaire, and like gold fishes could hang out with the sharks. Yeah things like that. He's flying off to Aussie next saturday, and I just can't help but feel like I'm gonna lose something. Although, haha he doesn't even know who I am. I'm losing everything. Social life's a mess. Room's a mess. Head's a mess. Everything's just so messy. I must sound like a pessimistic bitch right now. Affirmative.
My life's like lacking so many things right now. It's just absurd, I just can't seem to look at the bright side like most of you might want me to. I can't. Maybe there's no light anymore. The flame is out. I always feel like dying. I don't mind dying. I'm so lonesome, I could die. This is not like another emotional dark confession, I do really feel like kicking the bucket. I feel so pathetic at times. Just as I am, right now. My facebook is lifeless. I watch everything go up and down, without any of those shits having to do with me. At all. Heck, my sister's getting more notifications then I am. No big deal, I know. Nothing is anymore.
My computer crashed and burnt. It just did. The motherboard, the mother of the computer, is kaput. My fault? Yeah maybe. Too shiok tengok gossip girl, left it on overnight. Hey! Computers are supposed to bystand that aren't they? Please lah. So I have to like frickin' call a technician, which my mom won't help me at. And without my dad's help of course, not without him screaming and swearing at me. Seriously, daddy, I just realized what an angry person you are, after 14 years and 6 months living with you as your offspring. It was really unnecessary and uncalled for. I have to do my folio's and everything and I've not even finished watching gossip girl ! And skins ! Dear god, I know I don't deserve your love, because I've done nothing to gain it, not enough I mean, but PLEASE just PLEASE, do me one itty bitty favor and fix the computer. :''(( Or magically appear kan a hot technician at my door. Bismilllah, Alhamdullilah, Ya Allah. Amin. <3
I went to have a little pick me up at w. walk with Atiqah and Khatijah. Movie, karaoke. Usual stuff. Seriously, kl's getting more and more lacking of thing's to do lately. When are we gonna stop watching movies? Where did picnics go? Where did like taking yoga classes and having face masks or whatever fly to? Baking classes? It's alllllll about the movies now. Fuck it. I'd rather stay at home and rot. That's all I ever do nowadays. Going out without feeling guilty of digging on someone else's money is just..always there. I don't have money. Nada. Broke to the bone. So, please just don't ask me out, and if you insist, just don't offer to belanja me. Because I don't know when I'm gonna give back. Enough entertainment lah. I need a fucking therapist and a spiritual trip or something. I need to get my heart back. It's not here. I lack heart. I lack life.
I'm like really sorry I cried and everything. I'm sorry I liked you. I just think real people show emotions, they cry when they're sad, smile when they're happy. If that's like dramatic, then okay so be it. And I didn't cry because I couldn't have you, I cried because I'm just so tired of feeling like a failure. I'm tired of feeling things I don't deserve to feel. I've hurt so much and I know this doesn't mean anything to you and that's okay. I just wanted you to hear me out here. I'm sorry.
I could be happy. I should be happy. I want, so badly to be happy. I just wanna be happy.
