Tuesday, February 15, 2011
It's just emotions again, taking me over.
Posted at 3:42 PM
Sometimes, I just sit here any wonder, do I really love you? I do. I've always had problems with this. Emotions. Feelings. Mine's all over the place. I get so tired, maneuvering around the same ol' thing. Sometimes I just wish I was dead. I get really, just frustrated thinking about things. It's just always like this. I just want to die.
''Her boyfriend's like a dad, just like a dad'' Hmm. Makes me think. Is it so hard to know how you feel deep inside? It's so hard. I'm like an ocean filled with these stupid rocks, tumbling upside down, everywhere. Everywhere. Why can't I just stay solid for once, just stable, timid and just happy. A happy ocean.
I can't be like this. I have to stop being like this. I'm afraid of losing everybody. But I know I am. And I know I'm writing the same things over and over again, and it just a waste of time. Waste. Bagaimanakah cara untuk kita terus tenang dan menghadapi cubaan dengan hati yang terbuka. Tanpa segala rasa konfius dan melayang? I get so irritated when you don't understand me. Jealousy's your biggest trait. I love that trait, but it's too much for me. It is. I want you to realize that there's nobody in this stupid world for me except you. You, you, you, you, you and you. And no matter what stupid things I do, or say, I'd always find my way back to you. And we'd be a dream, over and over and over again. Just letting the day go by without any signs of wandering or regret. Just love.
I feel like killing myself for not writing down every single thing we did. The air we breathe, the sights we saw, the things we ate, the way we felt. I feel like a cunt. I feel absolutely crazy for not seizing the day, I first kissed you. It was amazing. It made me feel like my emotion level got up from 1 percent to a 50 and from a 50 to a 100 and it would never stop. Hell, it was so important to me. Naive.
I would write it down, if I could. But somethings just stopping me every time I try. And now that I feel like writing it, I feel like it's already too late. I forgot the dates. I'm full of uncertainties, guilt and remorse. Every time I try to get back to you, I just can't. And I know if you read this, you'd be in shock and you wouldn't talk to me for a couple of days.
Fighting makes me sick. Sick to my bone. I don't like how helpless I feel when we're fighting. Our words are like bullets. And I have tons of bullet holes sinked in to my body. I know, I'm positively affirmative that no matter what happens, I won't give up to work this out. No matter how hard, no matter how big, no matter how tired I feel to see you cry over and over again. I won't give up. I'll give it a go, till I've found you, understood you, see you and feel you. I won't.
This is to you, to tell you that I'm still here. Lost, but.. still here.
