Friday, June 17, 2011
Ryan Gosling - You always hurt the one’s you love
Posted at 11:28 PM
I can't feel my heart. I'm shaking. I'm having those stomach cramps again. I need to flush out. I need you. He's not answering my phone calls. He's not. That's the worst part, not having something to connect him through. That's the worst part. He's having high fever right now, and what am I doing? I tried calling but he's not picking up. I don't know what else to do.
We had a fight again. A big one this time. I can't fathom how many times we've fought in the last few weeks. It's absurd. It's just ripping my heart open. Gloom seized me as I struggled myself to break free from it. Misery grips my heart, tears brimming in my eyes.
I'm writing this to let myself know what I feel, cos right now.. I really don't know. I want to show you that I am, I'm willing to work, willing to change. Willing to do everything to save us. I really won't mind much if you were mine for life. Jodoh sampai mati. I want that. I want to die fixing us. I want to die trying. I want to die improving and making things better. I want to die loving you. I really want that.
As I'm typing this, you are watching the tele. You bailed me. To watch tele. You sound so sick when I called you. And that's after the 50th time I tried calling. When you did pick up, I was already crying. I want to make soup for you. I want to lay down with you and just die in your anger. I want to be there, on that sofa watching tele with you. Just anything to be with you.
When I was at botak's, I terbayang-bayangkan your face. It was wolverine. How cute :'( I miss you. I miss you so bad. I miss you! I tried to laugh a little when he's on about his jokes. But I just couldn't wait to bail out that door and just slam my bags down and call you. Call you even if you don't pick up. Call you even if you pick up at the 5000th call. Call you even if I keep hearing that motherfucking robot. Call you to leave a dozen missed calls just to let you know that I need you, and I care. I always cared.
I deleted most of my facebook friends. They're all stupid. If I were to call them friends, my list would only just be you, sayang. Mommy, daddy. And some of my family and close friends. That's it. My timeline will only about the person I care the most. That would change everything. I deleted that guy from Yaman, and all his posse's. I don't need their negative shit. They're not that cool anyway -.-
Here's to you sayang. I deleted him. And his friends. That's step number 1. To show you that I don't fancy him. To show you that I'm trying.
*note: some lines are from the incredible tee zuen way. i read his essay after school. he's just remarkable*
Please call me. I'll wait.
