Thursday, May 3, 2012
Absolution
Posted at 5:13 PM
Right now, I'm pantsless. Still in my school clothes, lying on my tummy on mommy's bed. My stomach is grouchy from all the pizza I ate with Nabil just now. I was supposed to go with my teacher, as a gift for getting A for my History exam. I was also supposed to go with my best friend. I'm singing to Take Care just because this song is amazing just the way it really is. I like it.
Mid Terms is just around the corner, and I am not ready. I don't know why we do this to ourselves, studying last minute and torturing ourselves. I just don't know why. I'm aiming for at least 5 or 6 A's this time. No fails. But I have a 90% chance of failing Physics. So I don't know. I'm not ready for all of this. All this growing up shit. I wish I didn't have to go to school. I wish I could just stay at home and study on my own. I don't even study in school. Most of the time the teachers are just 'meroyan'ing away about some shit we don't even understand. And when they do teach, we don't understand. What.
If only our tuition teachers were our teachers in school, we'd be the happiest and the most brightest kids in town man. If only. I'm not downgrading my school teachers, but it is the truth. It is what it is. I don't get much from school. I gain more from tuition. I still love my teachers. Thank you for everything.
I'm currently in a feud with my three best friends. Its ridiculous and unreasonable. Silent treatments and awkward glances. I wish we'd just stop this and be as normal. It's sad that they're all against me. It's 3 against 1. And the worse part is that no one feels the need to step up and say something about it. No one. None of them. It's like they dont even care, they don't notice and feel my absence, they don't miss me. They'd let this go on for weeks for some guy. It's ridiculous. And you know what? If you don't care, why should I?
I'm starting to like baking and cooking again. I baked a cake and it was a huge success. Loads more to improve on, but I like where I'm getting at. I love cooking. It's bliss for me.
I've been a slut going around liking different guys. I'm just joking. But I have to be honest, I like these boys but no one is in my heart. Not yet at least. I crave for these guys. The fact that I can't have them makes me want them so much more. It's crazy. But I promise I would not hurt anybody in the process. I'm tired of loving and liking and dating and shit. It's tiring. And SPPPPPPPPPM is a huge motherfucker, dropped from heaven, right onto the middle of my arms. I miss being in love. I don't want to be in a relationship.
Right after I click 'Publish Post', I'm gonna grab my towel and have a warm shower, put on some fresh clothes, perform my prayers and try to be a better Muslim. I missed my Zuhur prayer because I was so taksub watching Revenge. I feel so sinful. I know God is angry at me. I feel like He always is. I am a sinner. And right after all that, I am going to study.
I don't know what I want to be right now. My future is bleak. But I have high hopes for myself. I'm just gonna step on the map, point, and let the wind lead me to wherever it wants to take me. I'm ready. I want to be ready. No use dwelling on the past. We all must move forward and start living. Be thankful for another day, count your blessings. We are the children of the universe. We are amazing. We are set out to do great things. We are who we are.
One day I'm going to be in New York Fucking City. One day I'm gonna play in the big leagues and be somebody. One day I'll be rich with an unreasonably handsome husband, lots of kids. One day I'll be a chef with my own restaurant and bakery. One day. One fine day.
