Absolution
Posted at 10:29 PMI've been sitting here in silence For what seems like a million years I can barely see the window Through my tears I've been staring out the window At a crystal winter's night Watching as the world is blanketed white And as the snow falls down My heart is breaking over you And as the snow falls down Though I'm dying inside I'm finding absolution Locked in isolation And choking on stifled air Wracked with desperation and despair I've been left to my own devices Afraid of the things I've done Stricken with disgust at what I've become And as the snow falls down My heart is breaking over you And as the snow falls down Though I'm dying inside I'm finding absolution Well it's a hope beyond salvation And it's a dream beyond desire A leap of faith, a baptism by fire So I've put aside my anger And I've cast away my pain I've lost it all, I'll learn to live again And as the snow falls down My heart is breaking over you And as the snow falls down Though I'm dying inside I'm finding absolution
At this moment, Ellie Goulding is playing in the background like an ending to a very sad movie. Now Is Good had me in tears. Sure, I'm a wimp. But the tears that streamed down these chubby cheeks felt so real. But then again, when it is ever not?
Clinging to me. Like a last breath you would breathe. You were like home to me.
At this moment, I am missing Fadhli so much. I watched a little bit of Savages just now. Watching Blake Lively make sweet love with Aaron Johnson was enough to put me off. I stopped watching. Something is troubling my mind. I can't even concentrate. I don't know where he is. I don't know what's going on. Confused, totally confused. I don't want to push it, I just keep reminding myself that there must be a reasonable explanation to all of this. I'm scared. Getting played right now would definitely result in a mental breakdown. Like what the fuck? When is this ever gonna stop. Seriously.
Please don't close your eyes. I don't know where to look without them.
At this moment, the last thing I want is to be clingy. I'm not clingy. I just.. what's the harm in like telling a person that you love your whereabouts? Is it normal for these men to do this. Have I like fallen into a hole I never thought I'd fallen into? I didn't think he was 'that', didn't think he was capable of 'that' either. Maybe this is just another mindfucking wake up call. Now is not the time for love. Perhaps. Every person in the city was disguised as you in my mind, every flash of light from anyone's phone or even my stupid house phone makes me think it's you, every beep and every person that comes online on Skype is a threat. Where are you? :'(
I know you care. I know it is always been there.
At this moment, I'm contemplating on whether I should cry or sleep, perhaps both because I can't hold it in. It's always like this. This rush of emotions, they come out in the form of water, my face it's venue; even my blanket and my pillows. I feel like crying. I cried when I accidentally watched Return of the King before The Two Towers, which for me, was just completely and utterly bullshit and careless of me. What the fuck? I blame the dude who put it out as a torrent, he listed ROTK first. Damn. I cried. I felt like something was taken from me and lost and I couldn't get it back. You laughed and said I was cute. I miss you. But if you don't want me, can you like at least send the message across? It's the worst thing seriously to leave a girl hanging like thisssss ugh. I'm typing like an ass.
But there's trouble ahead I can feel it. You were just saving yourself when you hide it.
At this moment, I should be, damn well I should, be enjoying my youth. My friends are probably out, they're always out. These so called 'it' places but really, it's just a food court usually. I want to do that, just whatever and shit being reckless and eat as much as I want. But the bipolar side of me would think it isn't such a good idea. Maybe not.
To shape to comfort of us. Two lovers locked out of love.
At this moment, I met a lot of people earlier. These people whom I had always wondered in awe. They are so famous it's crazy. But I met the 'queen' and frankly, she was nothing. Trying to be S was not working for her for she is basic, smokes socially, she's fierce but that's all she is. Basic. Everyone's stuck in this world, this realm, where they think it's cool to be promiscuous and shit, thinking of themselves so highly, when in reality, everybody does the same thing, everybody smokes the cannabis but they make it seem like they don't, they want people to ask, they want people to guess, they feed on praise and gossip. Of themselves.
No, I don't want my hands in your coat. But I still hope. At this moment, I'm remembering how you hated all of my songs. But not this one, you love this one. It'd come out, out of the blue and I would smile because you were sweet and I loved you. Thank you. I used to get angry at how you would cut my songs before it ended with the 'I love everything you love' argument to back me up. You would laugh and played my songs in full and I would say it's okay, I love you. Zee Avi is magnifique. I watched the pole dance of the stars. We rejoice because the hurting is so painless.
Hi everyone. It's hot outside. I still have sweat dripping down my neck. I had a rough day at school. I slept all throughout the first periods before recess. When they asked me why I was so tired, I lied and told them that I studied all throughout the day and night. They finally understood why I always skip school. Because I was tired. Well it's not all a lie. I am tired. Frankly, very tired.
As I was walking home, I thought about the condition that I was in. Miserable. Just that, miserable. I passed cars and upon every car I passed, I looked at my reflection on the windows. I don't look good. Insecurities starts building up like debris and I am miserable. I always feel the absence of something very much essential and that absence kills me everyday. I feel like I don't get the attention that I truly deserve. I feel like no one sees me. I feel like I am not worthy.
Every time I see a red car. My heart beats. My heart beats and I have this burning desire and hope inside of me that maybe its Zul. Him driving in his red car, finally came to his senses and has come to made amends, has finally come to fulfill his promise to drive me home everyday. I know its far-fetched but it is what he said. When its not him, my heart sinks in disappointment and it crumples and it folds and folds, forming a dark hole , a place where I keep adjectives like hurt, lust, loneliness and pain.
I know better than to fall into that trap over and over again. Promises. But sometimes I just like to hear it. I just like to understand the fact that someone is making a promise to me. Whether they fulfill it or not, that's a different story. Its like it's their way of saying ''I promise. But please understand that maybe one day I won't have the same desire to fulfill it anymore, or maybe I just forgot about it. But yeah, I promise"
When I reached I home, I saw the silhouette of my father. But of course it wasn't my father. I sighed and continued walking. I read his letter the other day. And damn, did I cry. I cried like a baby. It was too much. I've never come across such sweet and strong words, especially coming from my father. My father doesn't talk much. I miss you, daddy. I'll send you letters once I'm okay.
I reached my front door, panting and sweating hoping that my sister would open the door quickly. I was tired. Please open the door. I rang the bell quite a number of times. She opened the door and snapped at me. I felt so hurt. I hate my sister.
I went to mommy's room and cried. I cried. Nobuo came to me and slept on my chest. Thank God for Nobuo. I have his fur all over my nose, it's ticklish.
Highlight of the day: I didn't get chosen for PLKN Siri 10/2013. Alhamdulillah.
Ramadhan is tonight. I am so happy. I feel blessed to be able to witness the coming of Ramadhan, yet again. All the devils and demons will be tied up tonight, by Maghrib. Thus we will all see, what we have become in the absence of these creatures that we claim to always be the cause of our bad deeds and misbehavior.
Since it's a Holy month, I have decided to cover up. Not just because it's a Holy month but because I want to do it. Yes, Baby Ven has been pestering me to cover up for Ramadhan. But this is not for them. It certainly is for me. Mommy laid out all of her Bawals and I tried them. I look so cute, to be honest. It's not abnormal to me, I wear tudung to school everyday. It's reallyyyyy not a big deal.
The gates of Heaven are open wide, the gates of Hell are tightly closed. We have no reason to go away with our bad deeds. Leave it. Leave all of it. This is our chance to get back to Allah. Our platform and our opportunity to gain forgiveness. Don't let it go.
I hope I can study better. Since there's no more distractions. I just want to sit in a room and study, study, study. Besides that, I would also like to maybe khatam the Quran, find Lailatul Qadr, and go to qiamullail's and all that. I want to be better. I want to be closer to my Creator. InsyaAllah.
Also, I have also made a pact with myself. I would only be eating dates to break my fast. Dates. Following Rasulullah's way. Firstly, it's gonna help me lose all this weight and fats in my body. Secondly, it'll help me stay grounded and not eat too much, think about the less fortunate. This is my goal. Dates. I'm positive about this.
"Ilahi lastu lil firdausi ahlaa. Wa laa aqwa 'alaa naaril jahiimi. Fahabli taubtaw waghfir dzunuubi. Fa innaka ghofirudz dzam bil 'adhiimi"
Here's a video that sums everything that I wanted to say. Enjoy. Happy Ramadhan Al-Mubarak everyone. Let's be holy together. For the betterment of all of us. I love you. <3
123 days till SPM. This is crazy. I have now reallocated myself to Kakak's room just because it's smaller and more peaceful. I will be sleeping here till I finish my exams and then eventually move out. This will be the last (hopefully) post that I will share with the internet world, right after I click Publish, I will start making deals with my brain. I hope it doesn't fail me tonight.
I'm having a lot of fun, doing nothing, just laughing with my friends. They are amazing. The thing is, I never feel like I'm not enough with them. It's like everything is taken into consideration and I feel needed. I feel good.
Faroq missed his flight. *facepalm* Just when we thought he was already home, enjoying Kuala Lumpur's heat to soothe his jetlag, we found out that he woke up late at missed his flight. When I told mother, her reaction was just a shocking 'What?!' It was funny. If I were to have missed my flight, I would get a never ending nag from my mother, and she'd probably break down and cry at the airport, causing a scene. Since we're low on cash, there's no way that we could buy another ticket for the next day. We'd probably have to stay here for a few weeks and get a job or smth. Ha. But no complains, what is better than being in a foreign country without responsibilities and stuff? Of course, I'd have to worry about my SPM but I think it'd be amazing being trapped in a country you love.
I'm thinking of taking A-Levels. But I'm still contemplating. It's just mind boggling cause I don't know what I want to be. And everytime someone asks me what's my biggest traits and what do I like to do the most, I get annoyed and I might even ignore the question and walk away. The thing is, I just don't know. I feel like it'd be such a waste if I got straight A's and I took A-Levels and when I get out, I have absolutely no idea what I want to be. Sigh. I promise myself that when I have kids, I will constantly expose them to various kinds of environment. And maybe throughout that journey, they'll find themselves and discover what they want to do for the rest of their lives.
Is it okay if I just want to graduate and then just be a housewife? I'd really like to take care of my kids. Do nothing, knit stuff, clean the house, please my husband. Hahaha. If anyone reads this, they'll be weirded out, especially my future boyfriend. Wherever you are. Okay, SPM first. Marriage later. Got it.
I miss him. Even though we're barely anything, I miss him. I don't care if he's in love with someone else or if he's a commitment-phobe. I just want to have the privilege to miss him. Because missing him is beautiful. He is.
Goodnight everyone. When you feel lazy, think 123.
SPM is in 125 days I think. I am studying. I am tired. I am trying. Ilmu Studio is my second home. I go there almost everyday. I made friends with everyone there and Baby V is now my go to person to talk to.
I have made so many friends here. We are family. I have grown so much love for QijuKids. (Qiamullail + Ali Maju) I know it's tacky but it is what it is; tacky love. They are amazing. We laugh and we cry. I believe God has set me out on an adventure. And I met them.
I have not forgotten my old friends. But I have to tell you that people do change. I wanted to go back to my old friends but I believe it is fate that I met my new ones. I love everyone.
Right now, Faroq is in Australia. I know I shouldn't be saying this but I can't help but miss him while he's away. I hope he doesn't forget my koala bear. Even if he does, I wouldn't mind. I might just want him to come home safely, that's all.
My inner circle has grown bigger and bigger over the past few months. Just when I thought I wouldn't even get to talk to these Sex Gods, then one minute later of all the windows opened and we are all as one. It is not impossible. We just have to work to get it. And the outcome is amazing.
Do you people like my new skin? It's new. I got tired of that blonde madafaka on my last skin. I needed a new view. I thought this one was kinda nice. It's super simple, and super simple is me. I like it.
My baby Nobuo has been neutered and his fur is getting softer and softer. His attitude towards me is also improving. He's so manja. Mmmm. But I hate it when he's pooping or peeing, it means I have to change his newspaper which sucks cause he has to be caged rest for over 2 months. UGH
I'm pantsless again, not feeeeling so good. I caught a cold which sucks so bad. I'm meeting Daddy tomorrow. Loads of people are tagging along this time. Let's see how it goes.
I'm off. Au revoir.
Desiderata
Posted at 2:37 PM
Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be critical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be careful. Strive to be happy.
My name is Dhania Sorfina. I am not European. I am an Ailurophile. I like elephants and the color purple. I over-analyze things and cry all the time. I am a hopeless romantic, hopeless searching for a kind like me.
