Thursday, July 26, 2012
Fire
Posted at 3:18 PM
Hi everyone. It's hot outside. I still have sweat dripping down my neck. I had a rough day at school. I slept all throughout the first periods before recess. When they asked me why I was so tired, I lied and told them that I studied all throughout the day and night. They finally understood why I always skip school. Because I was tired. Well it's not all a lie. I am tired. Frankly, very tired.
As I was walking home, I thought about the condition that I was in. Miserable. Just that, miserable. I passed cars and upon every car I passed, I looked at my reflection on the windows. I don't look good. Insecurities starts building up like debris and I am miserable. I always feel the absence of something very much essential and that absence kills me everyday. I feel like I don't get the attention that I truly deserve. I feel like no one sees me. I feel like I am not worthy.
Every time I see a red car. My heart beats. My heart beats and I have this burning desire and hope inside of me that maybe its Zul. Him driving in his red car, finally came to his senses and has come to made amends, has finally come to fulfill his promise to drive me home everyday. I know its far-fetched but it is what he said. When its not him, my heart sinks in disappointment and it crumples and it folds and folds, forming a dark hole , a place where I keep adjectives like hurt, lust, loneliness and pain.
I know better than to fall into that trap over and over again. Promises. But sometimes I just like to hear it. I just like to understand the fact that someone is making a promise to me. Whether they fulfill it or not, that's a different story. Its like it's their way of saying ''I promise. But please understand that maybe one day I won't have the same desire to fulfill it anymore, or maybe I just forgot about it. But yeah, I promise"
When I reached I home, I saw the silhouette of my father. But of course it wasn't my father. I sighed and continued walking. I read his letter the other day. And damn, did I cry. I cried like a baby. It was too much. I've never come across such sweet and strong words, especially coming from my father. My father doesn't talk much. I miss you, daddy. I'll send you letters once I'm okay.
I reached my front door, panting and sweating hoping that my sister would open the door quickly. I was tired. Please open the door. I rang the bell quite a number of times. She opened the door and snapped at me. I felt so hurt. I hate my sister.
I went to mommy's room and cried. I cried. Nobuo came to me and slept on my chest. Thank God for Nobuo. I have his fur all over my nose, it's ticklish.
Highlight of the day: I didn't get chosen for PLKN Siri 10/2013. Alhamdulillah.
